Sitting In The Truth.

My faith tells me that there is a heaven. My beliefs have always been that this life is a vapor and the real life begins after we die. I’ve recently realized that anything is easy to believe when it’s not challenged. I’ve also realized that if I don’t question my beliefs, I may never really experience the depth of faith that is truly possible.

My faith would be challenged when my baby brother (21 years old) and one of my very best friends fell off his skateboard this year and hit his head. They removed his entire skull and told us he would never have any quality of life ever again. The most life filled person I know, was suddenly lying lifeless in a hospital bed. I instantly did what anyone with faith in God does when a crisis hits…I prayed and believed.

Colton also had cancer when he was 15 and overcame it with a 30% chance to live. He made news headlines because of his selfless Make A Wish request. The story of Colton’s traumatic brain injury spread like wild fire and soon, people all over the world joined me in prayer through his Facebook page. Surely, if the God I know is loving or has any heart at all, he will answer these thousands of prayers especially for a kid who has already fought cancer and won I thought.

Days, weeks, and months passed. My precious brother continued to lie in that hospital bed unable to talk, eat, or move any part of his body. I continued to wake up in the wee hours of the morning with a pounding heart realizing that my actual life was the nightmare. Life as I knew it was over. Life stopped when Colton hit his head and we had no guarantee that it would ever begin again. However, it was an unspoken truth between our family that none of us would leave him no matter what.

 The minute my eyes opened every morning, my feet hit the floor and I sped out of my driveway to get to Colton. All I could think was, I have to get to Colton. I remember flying into the hospital parking lot and literally running down the hallway to his room. I could not get to him fast enough. Usually, what I saw was worse than the visions in my head. I often found him alone, making moaning sounds, sweating profusely, with his head contorted to the side-unable to lift it on his own. My 21 year old brother, who never allowed his own family see him in his boxers, had to endure strangers changing his diaper. My brother who appreciated food more than anyone I knew was being fed brown goo through a stomach tube.

When I arrived, my thoughts raced, How long has he been like this, I shouldn’t have left him last night! What am I going to do…? Most days I crawled into bed with him and told him how much I loved him over and over. I read him books even though we didn’t know if he could see. However, the one thing I was sure of was that he could feel my love. We took shifts for 5 months. We did not leave him for a single day the entire 5 months. In the midst of trauma, we did what we had to do to focus on Colton. Our own needs were no longer of importance; in fact even remembering to eat wasn’t important. Colton was the only thing that mattered.

Five months into Colton’s injury his body was deteriorating from not being able to move, and infection was taking over. I found myself laying in his hospital bed with him, as close as our bodies would fit. I tried to put myself in his position. Did he know what was happening? Was he scared? Did he want to go? I wondered.

I whispered to him, “Colton, it’s ok to go. Please let yourself be free. You will be in heaven. You are about to see God, Colton.” 

On November 5th 2012 at 8:10pm after a 5 month battle, I watched my baby brother die.

I watched the nurse stand in the corner, staring at the ceiling as fat tears fell off her cheeks and splashed on the hard hospital floor, I watched my dad collapse over Colton’s lifeless body and cry out his name. I watched as the life left my mother’s body as she fell into my other brother’s arms.

Two months later I find myself sitting in a counseling office trying to wrap my brain around what the F*%$ just happened to all of us! I find myself trying to heal but scared to death that I never will. I explained to my counselor; “I can deal with the fact that he died because I know I will see him again, but I just can’t deal with the 5 months of suffering. I can’t deal with the fact that God left us…he abandoned our family. I don’t hate God I just don’t know who He is anymore. If he was real, he would have listened to the thousands of prayers or at least softened the blow. Maybe God is real but he is a hands off-and cold-hearted God. My counselor simply said, “The answer to your healing is inside of you and you will find it.” When she said that, I actually believed it to be true. I decided I had to find it, I had no choice. If I didn’t find it, I would never be able to live a life that Colton would be proud of.

And today I think I just may have found something. I went for my daily walk through the forest trail, up a long hill and to the top of Whidbey Island where I can see 180 degrees of mountains, water, and Seattle. I make my journey there every day. I usually only talk to Colton but today I decided to try to talk to God again. It wasn’t an easy decision. It felt like I was reaching out to someone who had left me for dead and didn’t look back. However, one thing I know is that I don’t know everything and if I was wrong about about God, it would change the course of my life completely. I had to try one more time. I had to give God another chance even if he wasn’t going to show up.

I reached the top of the hill, cleared my throat and begun to tell him that I didn’t know if He loved me anymore and I didn’t know if I trusted Him anymore. Maybe my words are disappearing into the thin air just like my breath in the cold fog, I thought. I told Him that for us to move forward, I have to be completely honest with Him. I explained that, regardless of my feelings about Him right now, I need His help to heal because I am damaged and broken and my heart hurts every day.

In that moment, surrounded by the thick gray sky, unable to see 10 feet in front of me, unable to see the usual serene view, and feeling claustrophobic and alone I heard “Colton says, it was worth it.” The words hit me like a surprise. It was as if someone had shoved something really delicious in my mouth without my permission. I had to take a minute to taste it before I could swallow.

The words continued and went down smooth, “Colton says he would go through those 5 months a million times more to be where he is now.” It felt as if my heart had been tied in a very tight knot for 7 months and someone had begun to gently unravel the tight strands that were causing so much pain. It was the kind of message that isn’t comprehended with eloquent words or a plain painted picture. It was the kind of message that is only understood from spirit to spirit. Things began to come clear and I was reminded that the God I used to trust watched His own son suffer too. His Son had nails pounded into His hands and feet, He was whipped in front of crowds, and spit on. Jesus said to the man next to him, while he was on the cross, "today I will see you in paradise." Jesus knew what he was about to experience and he knew it would be "worth it."  Just like Colton’s suffering, there was nothing fair about it and it really didn’t make sense to the people that loved Him. Those people had to endure watching someone they love suffer too. I stood still as the answer inside of me came forth, “God knows my pain and he feels it too. In order for me to heal, I have to trust this." Though I may not understand or agree, I’m going to choose to believe that for Colton… "it was worth it.”